The Great Outdoors

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Back in January, I read The Primal Connection by Mark Sisson and made a commitment to myself to follow the principles for health outlined in the book.  I was most interested in using experiences in nature as a means for improving mental health, particularly mine and Charlotte’s. I was intrigued with the idea that time outdoors could provide the sensory input her body was seeking. It seemed to be the perfect extension of Paleo principles–if eating and moving like our ancestors improved our physical health, then using nature as a tool would appropriately engage our senses, restore a sense of well-being and contentment, and improve our neurological health.

I decided to give it a try based on my past and recent experiences in nature that have confirmed the theory that it is, in fact, calming and anxiety-reducing to “get away from it all”. Each year after our annual hiking and fishing trips to Mammoth Lakes in the Eastern Sierra, I return with a renewed spirit and deep sense of gratitude and connection.

When the school year started last Fall, my friend Rachel and I committed to taking long walks or hikes together once per week. Come rain or shine, we have hiked and talked and bonded over the challenges and triumphs of raising a Paleo family. The time outdoors has become uniquely ours and resulted in a deeper level of connection in our friendship.

My most cherished memories as a child come from time outdoors. We spent many family vacations at the beach, and when I now visit as an adult, I fondly remember the taste of sea water in my mouth and the feel of kelp at my ankles and the exhilaration of riding swells into the shore on my boogie board.

As I read Mark’s book, I found myself asking, if experiences in nature seem to nurture positive feelings of gratitude and connection, along with providing strong sensory feedback, why are we not spending more time outdoors?

Over the past few months, I have made more of an effort to get myself and the kids outside, and I’ve learned several things about making this element of our health a true priority.

It works

A few weeks ago, I picked Charlotte up from school on a Wednesday afternoon. Her teachers reported that she was calm and focused all day. I did a quick mental checklist of how much sleep she’d gotten, what she’d eaten, and what we’d done the day before so I make sure to replicate this formula for success many times over. Of course, I wasn’t surprised, remembering our quiet Tuesday afternoon at the beach together. She had happily played in the sand and mild sunshine, slept well that night, and performed well at school the next day. I now pay very close attention to how her outside time relates to better behavior and when questionable behavior may need an intervention in the form of a simple walk around the block or hopscotch in the front yard.

The Primal Connection mentioned that time outdoors spurs creative energy and encourages more independent play, and I didn’t believe it until I saw it. Charlotte has reduced her TV watching and ipad playing to just a few hours a week–completely voluntarily. When returning home from school or therapy, instead of zoning out in front of the screen, she happily gets to work making a craft or coloring a picture, consuming herself in creative thought for long periods of time.

Keep it Simple

I have learned that just like adopting the Paleo diet, this, too is a shift in thinking and takes patience and learning with yourself to find a groove. There have definitely been times over the last few months when I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Some Saturday mornings, I’ll wake up ready to have a fun family day outdoors, only to find that I’m ripe with exhaustion. A quick recap of the week tells the story–cooking, hiking, CrossFit, grocery shopping, beach trips, kids’ activities, and homework leave no energy for new adventures requiring any extra effort. I’ve learned to scale back the expectations of myself and adopt this new aspect of our lifestyle more carefully. I often need to remind myself that our simple outdoor experiences are usually the most successful.

I have learned to consider that it all takes energy to make it work, and it won’t always go smoothly. Over Easter weekend, we visited my in-laws and took a walk on a nature trail that included Charlotte falling off of her bike and melting down, a grumpy old golfer accusing us of trespassing, and a near dog mauling with our dog and another dog off-leash. Needless to say, I wasn’t any more relaxed from our outdoor experience when we returned home. But rather than give up or blame myself on some level, we laughed it off and decided it certainly was a walk to remember.

Letting Go

I’ve found that Charlotte struggles the most with sensory dysregulation when she is not in control of her environment. As she has gotten older, she has learned communication and other coping tools to deal with simple things like sharing with her sister or waiting her turn. However, even in her progress, I can still see her sensory issues come alive in places where she cannot touch or feel or move like she needs to.

Yesterday I took her to a duck pond in our local community and learned an important lesson about environment. I couldn’t bring myself to buy bread to feed to the ducks, so when we arrived empty-handed, I anticipated a brief, twenty-minute excursion with nothing much to do except watch the ducks from afar and walk around the bank. When we arrived, I sensed that Charlotte wanted to be in control. I let go and while I let her guide me around the pond, I observed how her mind and body relaxed in the natural environment. I snapped photos of her as she used her muscles and maneuvered the tree roots and twigs on the banks, how she balanced using the tree’s trunk, and how she calmed when her feet entered the cool pond water. She was relaxed and at peace in a natural setting that had an ebb and flow all its own.

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When she slipped off her shoes to feel the earth on her feet, I kept on eye on the ground just ahead of her watching for broken glass or sharp twigs, but trusting that her senses were appropriately doing the work for her. We watched the turtles swim, listened to the crane’s call, and noted the bright orange color of the duck’s webbed feet. It felt natural and right and so simple.

As we walked to the car, Charlotte was already planning our next trip to the duck pond–this time with Dana, Daddy and his fishing pole, since there were fish in the water. I felt the weightlessness of her tiny hand in mine as we crossed the parking lot–using my senses to grab the moment and become fully aware of the precious time we had just shared.

Mirror, Mirror

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Last month we celebrated Charlotte’s 5th birthday. She hit a milestone number in a whirlwind week. Between traveling with both kids over the winter break and planning her small birthday party over the weekend, I did manage to find some time to reflect on everything that we have been through since her birth. What I concluded is that I am a changed person. I honestly remember very little about my life from before she was born. I can’t even recall what things I thought about, what I did with my time, or even what I ate.

I would have loved to do a full post on how much I’ve grown and learned since she was born. How the challenges of managing her health issues and my health issues simultaneously are often more than I feel like I can handle. How I now understand the depths of unconditional love in a way that I could have never before. How I see the world through a new lens of acceptance and respect. How walking on this path full of the big and little challenges and changes that raising her brings has taught me more about myself than any other experience I am certain I will ever have in my lifetime. I have found a new level of confidence with a self respect and acceptance that I never thought I would find.

But true to form, Charlotte didn’t give me much time to slow down and reflect. She kept me on my toes all week–her enthusiasm and excitement over her birthday bubbling over into overstimulation, sleep disturbances, anxiety, and repetitive behaviors. It certainly posed a challenge to get in a positive and reflective place while she became dysregulated and exhausted in anticipation of the big day.

The hardest part of managing Charlotte’s anxiety is that it is so much like my own. It knows no boundaries. It starts with happy and anticipatory thoughts of an exciting event. Without enough control to predict or prepare for every possible scenario–who is coming, what will my presents be, why can’t my birthday be here already–a spiraling and magnetic energy forms and begins grabbing at any fear or thought that she cannot control. Long buried fears of bumble bees and flies once again resurface and can’t be put to rest with mommy’s explanation that the flies and bees are more scared of you than you are of them. Her thoughts remain unsettled and the questions are unanswered. And so they are asked again and again and again.

Her repetition is a breeding ground for my own buried fears and concerns–for her future, for her relationships and for the challenges that she will continue to face. It’s at this point that my own tornado of self-defeating thoughts and emotions begin to gain momentum.

And at the same time, even the briefest moments of reflection and positive thinking actually pay big dividends. The challenges over the last five years have made me somewhat of an expert in managing my own anxiety. I have learned to painfully dig past the influences and experiences that have created the unhealthy patterns of negative self talk and found a well of acceptance and self worth that only I know how to nurture and protect. Using my own resources as tools for light and hope when the darkest thoughts want to have their way. And while it’s difficult and somewhat painful to have a mirror image of my most annoying patterns of behavior parroting in front of me, it’s comforting to know how to handle it.

It is as simple as telling myself what works for me will work for her and vice versa.

Self Talk

At about 2 years old, when Charlotte was first talking in meaningful sentences, she often repeated the phrases that calmed her. If she saw something that frightened her or if she was feeling upset or dysregualted, she would begin her mantra. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” It was an early coping mechanism that served a valuable purpose. Her self talk calmed the anxiety storm that was brewing internally. I’ve used it often myself when I feeling myself getting worked up. A couple of deep breaths and Charlotte’s mantra are a quick fix when either one of us are on the verge of a meltdown.

Back to Basics

In the last post, I mentioned a book called The Primal Connection by Mark Sisson. This book can really be best described as a Primal/Paleo Blueprint for a healthy mind. Mark discusses all of the ways modern society has lead us down a path of anxious and negative thoughts. After reading this book, I began to understand my issues with anxiety not as the shameful character flaw that I always thought them to be, but more of a result of human cognitive abilities gone a bit haywire. Mark discusses how “technology–and the noise, sound, light, and thought pollution it produces-the fight or flight response, our bread and butter throughout evolution, is now one of the most abused mechanisms in the human body.”

All of the seemingly innocent thoughts and fears that Charlotte and I should otherwise dismiss are noisy alarms in our anxious and unsettled minds–sending off signals for fight-or-flight and the accompanying stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline, keeping us both awake in the nighttime hours.

Mark beautifully outlines in his book all of the way we can counteract these broken biological messages. Simple pleasures like a walk outside, slowing down the pace of a busy day, or taking a bath are all ways to reset the body and mind naturally. And on a day where the stress hormones are free flowing around these parts, we’ll grab a sweatshirt and head outside. A quick walk or bike ride around the block, some creative time with sidewalk chalk or just digging in the dirt for worms really brings Charlotte back to a place where she can better control the anxious thoughts and behaviors.

Ride it Out

There were obviously days during Charlotte’s birthday week that I wanted to scream in frustration. When several sleepless nights and dysregulated days were taking their toll on my mental state, I stayed above the darkness knowing that This Too Shall Pass. Knowing how you got into an anxious situation is often your quickest ticket out of it. As much as I tried to control all of the behaviors to prevent a spiral for both us, I also knew that it would all be back to normal when the birthday excitement died down.

Sure enough, several weeks have passed and I have found the space to reflect and post on how experiences like these continue to lead us down a path of acceptance. The more we anticipate and understand Charlotte’s needs, then more we are in a place to guide her toward a healthier mind.

And as I think further back, before she was born, maybe there are still some parts of me that have remained unchanged. I was a teacher, and I will always be a teacher. But these days, instead of teaching multiplication and reading comprehension skills, I’m modeling lessons in self care and ultimately the most powerful weapon against anxiety: confidence and self acceptance.

Sleep Is My Sugar

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Last week my friend Siiri and I were chatting on the phone while she commuted home at the end of her work day and I drove Dana to her evening ballet class. We chatted about our typical stuff–a lighthearted retelling of the day’s triumphs and frustrations. Nothing was unusual about the conversation until she started talking about how her day took a downturn when she indulged in office snacks coated in sugar and carbs. I sighed an empathetic sigh, knowing too well the effect food has on our bodies and minds. And while I don’t struggle with sugar cravings like Siiri does, I felt a connection to her situation like I hadn’t before.

I listened further, her words matching my own unspoken feelings of frustration and longing. There was a familiarity in how hard it was for her to fight against the messages her body was sending her. I had been waking several times a night over the past few weeks, confused and angrily reaching for sleep aids I didn’t want to take, restlessly moving from the bed to the couch–searching for just the right quiet environment to settle myself into sleep. Nagging questions and fear about why this was happening to me again only intensified the tossing and turning. I would wake up exhausted and defeated–having no plan to make it better, only hope for a better night to come. The sense of peace and gratitude that I work so hard to maintain had slipped through my fingers. And then it struck me. I was so inspired by my revelation that I rudely interrupted her thoughtful monologue and announced, “Sleep is my sugar!”

I covered her confused silence with the explanation that a good night’s sleep for me is currently as desired as the chocolate in her bottom desk drawer. The question I asked her is, “Why is it so hard to do the things we know our bodies need?” She immediately understood my struggle, and not having an answer, we laughed at finding the unexpected common ground of our unique situations–wanting so desperately the things we can’t have.

It got me thinking about all of the support in the Paleo community for those addicted to sugar. Programs like the 21 Day Sugar Detox and the Whole 30 provide a structured format to teach us to listen to the right messages in our bodies. Using a group dynamic as support to walk away from sugary temptations in the office, the pantry, and every street corner, they are powerful programs that change the way people think. While I haven’t personally completed one of these programs yet, the idea seems to be to get people to connect with what their individual body needs, not just what it wants.

In all honesty, I feel a twinge of loneliness and isolation in my struggles with sleep. While these sugar addiction programs seem to be a dime a dozen, those of us with insomnia related adrenal issues must learn to decode the messages of our own bodies with only our own thoughts in the middle of the night.

Until the recent conversation with Siiri served as an epiphany of sorts.The more I thought about it, the more I realized that stress in the form of cortisol is equally as addictive as sugar. Just as Siiri blames her sugar addictions on too many early years of junk food and packaged sweets, so is the bulk of stress and anxiety I’ve been carrying my entire life. I was an anxious child that grew into a tightly wound Type A personality. I can’t undo that.

Since my adrenal collapse in 2008, I’ve learned that the body does have limits and will break.  I need to continue to work hard and reading and understanding the messages that formed unhealthy habits and behaviors.  My body could have responded to the stress of the last five years with a different set of symptoms, but my genetics have unfolded to reveal insomnia as an indicator that the body needs a change. I cringe thinking of the familiar struggles my mom had with sleep and stress while raising my sister and I.

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So how do I change the course of my genetics?  How do I minimize my struggle with stress?  Mark Sisson talks about all of this in his recent book, The Primal Connection. He stresses that we must understand what we need to thrive as human beings. Things like face to face interaction, laughter, sunlight, relaxation, and outdoor sensory experiences are essential to human existence. We live in a world that works against our basic human needs. It makes sense that the nights I take a hot bath, relax with a book instead of TV, and generally slow down in the night hours are nights when sleep comes easier.

It’s so clear now that just like Siiri can expect to feel poorly after eating an office treat, I can expect to sleep poorly if I jump in bed at the end of a stressful day and expect a restful sleep.

Chad and I began a Whole 30 this month to remove treats like corn chips, tortillas, cheese and wine from our diets. I know that this will help both of us in a different ways. He’ll clean up his diet and feel better and sleep better as a result. And while we will be eating many of the same cleaner foods, my experience will look and feel very different. Instead of looking at thoughts and behaviors that lead to poor food choices, I will look at what thoughts and behaviors lead to poor sleep.

I’ll focus on managing my internal cortisol roller coaster–smoothing out the ups and prioritizing the downs. Mark’s book has a wealth of information that I’ve already put to use. We’ve cut back on media for the kids, pushed more outside activity and gotten back to simple things like reading books and listening to music as entertainment. (Stay tuned for another post on how this has helped Charlotte).

It’s as simple as understanding the needs of our bodies and using the appropriate tools to help ourselves succeed. I’m writing this post to encourage myself to fill my days with positive thoughts and behaviors that will lead to good sleep–exercise, nature, light, and gratitude for experiences and friendships that always lead me back to the right path.

 

 

Navigating the Grocery Store

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One day last summer I was making myself Sarah Fragoso’s salmon cakes for myself for lunch. Charlotte was paying careful attention, noticing the pink colored salmon flesh (her favorite color) and liking the word “cake” in the name of a lunch item. I was shocked when she asked for a bite and then another bite, and I was overjoyed when she requested them for lunch the next day. It was great timing. I had just about how great omega 3 fatty acids, like the ones found in salmon, are for the brains of individuals with ASDs in the amazing book The Autism Revolution.

Her love of salmon in cake form has not faltered. I pack them chilled in her school lunch a few times per week, drizzled with olive oil and lemon. Her teachers often remark how much she loves them. I shake my head in bewilderment, explaining that it’s like winning a Paleo lottery to have a child that loves such a nutrient dense food.

In an effort to keep her coming back for more and increasing the nutrient density of the food item, I decided to look at using fresh ginger instead of powdered ginger as one of the spices. When I saw this item in the grocery store, I recognized a local brand and tossed it in my cart.

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It was a few weeks later when the jar was nearly half empty and spun sideways in my refrigerator door, that I saw this:

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It may be hard to read, but the ingredients for the “ginger” are as follows: ginger, high fructose corn syrup, soybean oil, olive oil, lactic acid, and potassium sorbate (a preservative). I had mindlessly believed that the only ingredient in ginger would be–ginger. When I really thought about it, I can see the need to add oils for the texture and preservatives to keep it from spoiling, but the high fructose corn syrup as the second ingredient gave way to a massive palm to the forehead on my part. Instead of beating myself up about screwing up such a perfect food with a processed sweetener, I used it as learning experience to be better about reading labels.

I was recently asked about shopping for Paleo foods in the grocery store, and after my ginger debacle, I can certainly relate to feeling stressed and overwhelmed at the thought of buying food for your family. I thought it would helpful to share how I try to avoid the traps of deceptive marketing and overbuying.

Have a list. I’ve written before about the importance of meal planning and preparation when living a Paleo lifestyle. Other shoppers in the store often do a double take at my legal sized pad full of lists sitting in my cart when I’m shopping. While I squirm with embarrassment and try to get a tough skin for being different, I just have found no other way to do it. Planning meals ahead of time and shopping just for those items saves time and money. I recently came across this site that may be helpful for building meals around proteins and other ingredients you may need to cook in your fridge or freezer. Also, watching the grocery store print ads and knowing which meats are on sale is helpful for meal planning on a budget.

Shop alone. As much as I would love to spend my “free time” doing something other than grocery shopping every Friday morning, I know that this is the best time for me. Bringing the kids and husband is a recipe for disaster–more time spent in the store plus more impulsive purchases equals more money spent. Taking the time to read ingredients and using will power to avoid foods you don’t need takes focus, energy, and space. I know many friends who grocery shop at night after the kids go to bed.

Avoid the aisles. Almost every ingredient that it takes to make a healthy Paleo meal can be found around the edge of the grocery store–meat, fish, butter, eggs, and sometimes produce are placed in the back of most stores. They’re there for a reason. Store owners are hoping you throw items like soda, goldfish crackers, peanut butter, and cereal in your cart on your way to get to the reason you came to the store in the first place–milk, eggs, or fresh fruit.

Most of the items in the aisles of the grocery store are modern Neolithic foods that we’ve become addicted to. Most have gluten, modified food starches, artificial colors or flavors, stabilizers, and added sugars. Our bodies don’t recognize these items as food and disease in some form or another seems to be a result of consuming too much of them.

If you’re spending the bulk of your time at the grocery store in the produce section, you’re doing it right. Other than the sneaky ginger item, everything in that section is safe to eat. Try not to be intimidated by nutrient-rich veggies like kale, chard, and beets. A quick Google search with the veggie you’ve purchased and the word Paleo is sure to bring up a delicious recipe.

Also, look for creative options in the value-added sections of produce. If you know you’re pressed for time when cooking on a particular night, choose pre-cut fruits and veggies for versatility and convenience. One of my weekly staples is the carrot chips (under $2)–easily boiled for a dinner side dish or dipped in guacamole instead of a corn chip.

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Keeping focused on the fresh items at the edges of the store is a strategy I still use when I shop. In my experience, the set up of the store is the same for most retail grocers–Costco, Trader Joe’s, or our local supermercado. Nevertheless, I often find myself browsing the aisles looking for a new magical or mysterious packaged item that will make my life easier, and I have yet to find it. (If you’ve found a gem in the aisles of the store, share it in the comments below). For the most part, Paleo is about shopping for basic ingredients and using them to put together deliciously homemade meals. If you haven’t been told yet, you’ll need to learn how to shop differently and cook real foods to find success with this lifestyle.

That being said, Paleo moms and dads are armed with awesome resources to produce these meals for their families. Use the Paleo community tab to find a Paleo recipe blog or cookbook that fits your style. What you’ll notice is that the ingredients are simple and pretty easy to prepare. It takes some practice but after a while when you slip into a grocery store aisle to grab canned coconut milk or almond flour, you’ll slip out just as quickly knowing that there’s nothing in the packaged foods that is of any benefit to you or your kids.

It takes a smart and savvy consumer to beat the big food business. Being prepared and staying focused on your family’s health is sure to help on your next grocery store adventure.

Resolutions Reconstructed

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We are officially one week into the New Year so it’s time to resolve to get fitter, stronger, richer, and better organized. I’m big on resolutions. I love thinking and planning so all of this is fun for my nerdy left brain. You may have read last year’s post where I outlined some very specific Paleo-based goals for my family, and we met many of them. I even revisited the resolutions halfway through the year in this post where I tweaked them and applied new approaches to achieve what I thought would make us healthier.

So here I am one year further along in this journey toward better health. And before I jump into doing more to be healthier, I am pausing. I’m asking myself where I really need to put this renewed spirit and inspiration. I’m thinking back to 2008 when I was so confused and disconnected to own body and mind that I let other people define my health with a slew of prescription drugs. I let others lead Charlotte toward poor food choices and regression in health. What have I learned since then? Isn’t it time to really own this journey? It’s time to think about what it takes to feel healthy, not just be healthy.

My resolutions should be achievable goals that make me feel fulfilled and even happy, and I know now that I’m setting myself up to fail if I don’t really think and understand what it takes to get there.

I want to blog more often. Well, for me to blog more often I need to feel rested, positive, and inspired. I need to have positive thoughts about my life and its challenges. I need to stay above the powerful current of stress and negative thoughts that really want to bring me down. This is no easy task for me. It takes good sleep, clean eating, and appropriate exercise. To achieve this resolution, I need to feel healthy to write more often, which in turns makes me feel fulfilled and promotes positive thoughts.

I want to exercise more. I started doing modified Cross Fit workouts this last year. This basically means that Chad creates really tough whole-body work outs that we do together in our garage. I want to do them more consistently, but I know that Cross Fit type workouts are a breeding ground for adrenal fatigue–raising cortisol and adrenaline and creating sleep issues for me. Exercises like yoga and pilates reduce cortisol and promote a feeling of well-being. So finding a balance between the two types of exercise that promotes quality sleep and generally feels healthy sounds like a good resolution for me.

So when I thought about doing this post on resolutions or getting started on your Paleo journey, it made sense to tell you to make it personal. It has helped me to create unique and personal goals or resolutions that are promoted by my best thoughts, efforts, and energy.

You may know that the Paleo lifestyle is a good option for you and your family, but you need some more direction. I’ll do my best to give you my insight on what it takes for each and every one of us to achieve good health as human beings, but I’ll also give you a bit of direction toward your unique resolutions and personal best health. Nearly three years into our Paleo journey, here’s what I’ve learned and want to share with you if you are using New Year’s resolutions as an avenue to improve your health.

Build a Community. 

Ancestral wellness tells us that human beings thrive in communities and suffer in isolation. Wherever you are in your Paleo journey, you will need some level of support and community. The internet is as good as it’s going to get for many of us. Use the resources tab on this site to connect to other blogs. Many are written by parents of Paleo families, doing all they can to make this lifestyle work.

If you are fortunate enough to know others who live the Paleo lifestyle in real life, create social opportunities to share recipes, resources, or enjoy a good hike or workout. It’s our experience that families that have come to this lifestyle have done so with a unmet need for better health and an open mind to achieve it. Get brave and use sites like Meetup.com to find others who share your passion for good health.

Be selective about your media. When you log on to Facebook or turn on the TV, lessen the energy you put into filtering the misinformation about what health is or what others tell us about being healthy. Get rid or limit TV shows, sites, or posts that give you false ideas or expectations.

Sleep.

Quality sleep is essential to completing any task that requires a significant amount of energy. Adopting Paleo and changing age-old lifestyle habits and mindsets requires will power and a tough mental state. I speak from years of experience here when I tell you that poor sleep will wreck the success you may be working so hard in the day light hours to achieve. If you want to succeed at your goals in 2013, set a bed time and stick to it.

Learn.

Failure is part of the human experience. We will fall down and make mistakes. As a recovering perfectionist, I can tell you that changing your mindset around failure is the first step toward accepting your setbacks and even failing less often. Use each missed step around Paleo eating as a learning experience. Ask yourself why the regretful incident occurred. Did I eat that (bread, pasta, sugar, treat) because I wasn’t prepared, didn’t communicate, or caved to peer pressure? Whatever the reason for the mistake, don’t over-think it (like I tend to do). Move on and promise yourself you’ll learn from it and do better next time.

Find Your Healthy Place.

Here’s where it gets personal and unique to your health and mindset around change. We are all human beings but we all respond, change, and learn a little bit differently. Nothing teaches this lesson better than raising a special needs child.

Just as knowing and anticipating your child’s needs like the back of your hand gets you through life’s challenges and changes, it’s important to know the same for yourself. How do you best respond to change? What motivates you to get rid of bad habits? What thoughts or patterns of behavior promote change or work against you? If you’re not sure, now may be a good time to find out.

Try a program like the 21 Day Sugar Detox or the Whole 30 for a structured format with strict rules telling you what and what not to eat, or you may benefit from an 80/20 approach that allows more flexibility while still achieving your goals.

Give Yourself Permission

It’s my belief that we do not hear this message enough as parents. Taking some of our energy and inspiration and using it to better ourselves to promote our personal health while  leading our families toward creating uniquely healthy habits is our life’s work.

It’s my wish for you that 2013 brings learning through experience, growth, and resolutions achieved.

A Happy Holiday Season

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I often use conversations with friends and family as inspiration for my posts. It inspires me to know that others around me fret about the same kinds of things I do. And after a couple of lengthy chats with friends this week, I have come to realize that the holiday craziness is officially upon us and we’re all feeling the pressure to make it just right.

A couple of mornings ago, I was stunned with guilt when Dana announced that Annie, our Elf-on-the-Shelf, had not gone to the North Pole (to tell Santa that Dana had been a good girl and return to a new spot in the house) and the Tooth Fairy had left her tooth untouched. Suddenly, what should be fun and whimsical turns into a weird twisting of the truth for the sake of keeping the “magic” alive.

Thankfully, Dana bought my story about the storm keeping Annie away and her tooth in its case, but what about next time? In the midst of decorating the Christmas tree, finding matching dress shoes for tomorrow’s holiday performance, making dinner, helping with homework, and preparing gluten-free holiday treats, something else is bound to be forgotten. These thoughts leave my friends and I asking–How can I get it all done? Should it feel this hard? What if my kids are disappointed? And most importantly, how do I deal with all of this stress?

I think I learned the answer to this question the hard way just a few weeks ago. Upon returning home from Disneyland (a trip that took loads of preparation), our dog passed away. A few days later my identity was stolen. The dryer broke. I blinked and it was Thanksgiving, and we were hosting. I handled it all fine. No mommy meltdowns. No major dysregulation. Everybody was eating and sleeping and behaving just fine. Until, I couldn’t   sleep. And my cycle was jacked up. And then I thought I was losing my hair again. The stress that I thought I had beaten found me in a dark alley and had its way with me.

I was sure there was something terribly wrong. Again. I had bloodwork done to make sure I was okay, and I was. Just more adrenal issues in response to stress. Things are back on track, and well, now it’s Christmas as well as Birthday Season around here, and I feel the same pressures as my friends to make everything special and sweet and wonderful for my children over the next few weeks. I want to do it all without stressing myself out too much. Is that possible? I can only continue on my journey and learn as I go.

I realized that over the month of November, where it felt like the universe was working completely against me, I pushed through some important messages from my body. Sit Down. Skip Your Workout Today. Breathe. Eat. Relax. Smile.

I got a lot done, but I let my Type A tendencies kick the pants off of anything restorative or helpful. So, today, with less than 3 weeks until Christmas, here’s how I’m attempting to find some balance and cheer this holiday season.

Sit. Breathe. Read.

Since Charlotte is in school more often this year, I have more time to myself in the middle of the day. I’ve learned over the last few months that I’m only going to find quiet and restorative time if I do it during the school hours. Once I pick the girls up, the second half of my day begins, and I’m pushing myself too hard if I start at 6am and don’t stop until bedtime. I’m forcing myself to stop what I’m doing and sit down in the middle of the day  to have a cup of tea, read a blog, pick up a magazine, or just close my eyes until pick up time.

Bathe.

A hot bath at any point in the day is a restorative luxury for me. I instantly feel my cortisol drop and am forced to relax, once I clear Ariel and her mermaid friends out of the tub.

Write.

After I did the Disneyland post, I felt more reflective and connected than I had in a long time. It was a very healthy exercise for me to think back over our previous experiences and  tell a positive and inspiring story. Taking a look how far we’ve come keeps me focused and  inspired to keep doing all I do for my family. (And thanks for supporting this habit by reading what I feel inspired to write about)

Observe.

Dana takes ballet class two evenings per week. Often, I drop her off and run errands, chat on the phone, or try to get something done. But lately, I’ve been watching her during her class. Really watching her. Studying how strong and graceful she’s become. Taking pride and feeling grateful for the sacrifices we’ve made to make her lessons happen. And feeling pride and gratitude as a parent is never a bad thing.

Forgive.

Last week when I was fretting about the food budget and gifts and affording everything we needed to buy, it was Chad who gave me the permission to just buy the cheaper eggs and meat at the grocery store. No, we haven’t left Paleo or high-quality, real food, but we have given ourselves permission to eat less-than-perfect foods this month without guilt or anxiety. We’ve put our time in with this lifestyle and we’ve learned what allowances our bodies can handle. I can forgive myself for subbing conventional ground beef for grass-fed when there are many other expenses this month.

Keep it Real.

At a time when we’re bombarded with society’s images of the perfect holiday, I’m going to remember all that our little family has gone through. Many less-than-perfect moments have added up to a lifetime of happy, shared, memories that are uniquely ours. I don’t look back and regret any of the lessons we’ve learned, the mistakes we’ve made, or the triumphs we’ve shared.

As I continue on this journey toward better health for my family, the more I realize there are no easy answers. Each day, each season, and each experience brings us closer to knowing what works and what doesn’t–if we pay attention. Christmas time will never be easy and our grandmothers and mothers will tell us it was equally hard for them. There’s no extra credit points for getting it just right, and no reward for the picture-perfect experience.

Happy Holidays. May your holiday season be uniquely yours.

Disneyland Revisited

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Taking trips to Disneyland became a family tradition when we thought Dana might be old enough to enjoy it. We attempted our first family trip when Dana was about 2 years old and I was pregnant with Charlotte. Although I was mildly nauseous and very tired wandering through Fantasyland with a toddler in the July heat, the experience was undeniably magical.  Dana was as bright-eyed and full of wonder as the kids you see on the commercials and print ads. She embraced each and every character with a big hug and a huge smile. She never melted down over the crowds or lines, and her enthusiasm and excitement made the experience truly unforgettable.

In 2009, we returned to Disneyland, hoping for a repeat performance with two kids. Charlotte was about 18 months old, and she was walking and talking and looking very much ready for the full Disney experience. Dana was older and ready to enjoy bigger and faster rides. I have fond memories of the trip, but I also remember returning home exhausted. It was more than just your typical Disneyland hangover, I was struggling through a confused haze.

My hope had been to recreate the magic and innocence we had experienced with Dana just a few years earlier, but I knew we had fallen short. Dana was generally not as interested in princess and fairies as she had been just a few years earlier and Charlotte’s behavior certainly was not magical nor full of wonder. She had difficulty sleeping in the hotel–waking often and taking a long time to return to sleep. As a result, she was tired and dysregulated at the park. She resisted riding in the stroller and when we took her out to walk, she picked up every item within reach off of the ground and placed it in her mouth. She approached the princesses and other characters guarded with trepidation. Instead of running and embracing them with unabashed sweetness and innocence like Dana had done, she darted from side to side and then ran as fast as she could, circling their colorful gowns.

And if you have been following this blog for some time, you know that I was heavily medicated for post partum depression at this time. Other events that year are fuzzy memories, but the glassy confusion and disorientation I felt as a result of that trip are crystal clear in my mind. Something was clearly not right with Charlotte, and for several months the experiences and memories floated through my consciousness looking for a safe place to land.

We put any future Disney trips on hold as the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. We learned the name for Charlotte’s struggles just a few months later. And as much as we all wanted to return to the Happiest Place on Earth, we knew it wasn’t the right place for Charlotte. We carefully explained to Dana that we would go again when Charlotte was ready. Over the last few years, we’ve all watched and waited patiently as her nervous system has learned to effectively process more stimulation.

A few months ago, Charlotte started showing a consistent interest in the Disneyland app on our ipad. It’s a great app as the ipad user engages with Disneyland attractions much like a park visitor would. The music changes as the user moves through the different “lands” of the park. Seeing Charlotte’s interest in this app, as well as her improved behavior, sleep, and postural control, Chad and I knew it was time to begin planning the trip.

While it was daunting to relive past disappointments and unrealistic expectations in preparation for this trip, I kept focused on what Charlotte would need to be successful.

I narrowed my concerns down to long lines and food.

One of my favorite blogs, The Diary of a Mom, had mentioned a special pass for park visitors with invisible disabilities (like Autism). The pass supposedly shortened lines and let Disney cast members know that your child may need extra attention. The GAC (Guest Assistance Card) turned out to be a lifesaver. When we entered the park on our first day, I went straight to the Town Hall and stood in line. I told the Disney cast member that my daughter was on the Autism Spectrum and I wanted to see if there were any accomodations that could be provided. He asked me a few questions and presented me with a card stating her name, the number in our party, and the days we would be visiting the park.

Our pass was tailored to Charlotte’s needs. We showed to the Disney cast member at the entrance to each ride, and we were able to enter through the handicapped/wheelchair entrance or Fast Pass lines for the bigger rides. We could use the stroller in the line if we needed to. The beautiful part about the pass was that Charlotte used her energy for controlling her behavior and enjoying the experience. I was able to help her manage her sensory needs throughout the day. Waiting in long lines would have zapped her energy and enthusiasm, leaving little for dealing with the sensory challenges around every turn.

I knew that the food issue would just take some preparation. Some internet research told me that Disney offered many gluten-free options. My plan was to eat meals at the park or hotel restaurants and pack plenty of Paleo snacks. It worked out very well, as our hotel offered a hot breakfast of eggs, bacon, and fruit. Lunches were eaten inside the park restaurants. I simply asked for gluten-free replacements for items like corn bread and hot dog buns. Since my kids are used to going without these starches, the gluten-free breads and rolls felt like a special treat.

Our favorite Paleo treats worked great for the long car ride as well as in the park between meals. We packed plenty of coconut chips, apples, raisins, sunflower seed butter muffins, and sweet potato bars. It certainly wasn’t easy, but I saved the day before the trip for baking and packing the special treats.

The trip was special and magical in its own way. Dana was tall enough to ride every ride with her roller-coaster-enthusiast daddy while Charlotte and I made our way through the same Fantasyland and princess attractions that Dana and I had enjoyed so many years ago together. Charlotte loved the tea cups, getting her face painted, visiting the princess, and especially Toon Town. By the time we had gone on a few rides together, she let us know that she preferred outside rides and roller coasters, and that any ride without dark caves was okay with her. She self-regulated beautifully and let me know when she needed a break. It was fine with me to sit in the shade, slow down, and soak in the experience–making it all our own.

I could not be more proud of her and how well she handled the many challenges she faced on the trip. On the morning of the last day of our trip, we learned that our dog, Redford, had passed away while we were gone. Chad and I shared the news with Dana, encouraging her to enjoy the day as much as she could. We all decided we would wait to tell Charlotte until the day was over.

As we headed out of the mountains of Southern California and began the long stretch of highway home, we sat with the news and I knew we needed to talk about it as a family. Charlotte had already processed and experienced so much. I felt like this might be the end of the fun, peaceful trip we had all needed. I felt certain a meltdown with repetitive and scripted language was going to fall upon us. I was unsettled between telling her and facing the uncertain fate of her reaction and waiting for her to discover for herself when we got home.

But I had no reason to worry. True to form, she met the challenge in her own way. Upon hearing that Redford was in heaven, she asked for God to welcome and watch over him.

My mind was at peace and my heart was heavy but happy. All that was left was a silent prayer of thanks for the challenges and disappointments that have become incredible blessings and magical family experiences.

Bridging the Gap

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When Charlotte was about two years old, I made the mistake of driving my mini van through a car wash. The giant red scrub brushes right at her eye level, the rushing soap and water covering the car, and the powerful suck of the giant vacuum dryers were all too much for her nervous system to handle. I learned after one horrific meltdown to save that errand for a kid-free day.

The car wash experience created fear and dread for her. For weeks she asked me if we were going to the car wash every single time we began the process of getting into the car. (No. no. No mommy guilt here. None at all. Let’s proceed.) At the time we were attending an Early Start morning program and working with a behavior therapist and occupational therapist. At one of our home visits the behavior therapist recommended a picture schedule to help Charlotte visualize what her day might look like.

I was not opposed at all to this idea. I had plenty of teacher training where I had learned that kids need predictable routines to feel safe in their environment. For Charlotte, she needed to know whether the car wash (or any other out-of-the-norm event) was happening anywhere in her day in order to feel regulated and comfortable. So, for several weeks, I snapped pictures with my phone of many of the places we visited on a regular basis. Initially thinking that this project was going to be overwhelming and time-consuming, I was sadly mistaken that our “busy lives” were pretty limited to grocery stores, therapy, school, and the homes of close friends and family.

When Christmas cards began arriving in the mail, I began to keep a collection. Most of our family and friends have pictures with their smiling faces, oftentimes within their homes or with their pets. Pulling a picture out of a friend or relative and showing Charlotte prior to the interaction made a world a difference in how she responded socially.

I printed out the pictures, organized them on a large board and it eventually became routine to discuss the day’s events and outings and plan our time and even behavior expectations around it. For example, if Charlotte was currently challenged with behavior at a particular location, I could post a clip art picture of Dora or Max and Ruby on her board to let her know that she could watch those shows as a reward for appropriate behavior at the grocery store, school, therapy center, etc.

When the term “good behavior” became a bit too loose, we attached goals to each location and talked about them early in the day and again before we began the activity. For example, Charlotte struggles putting forth consistent effort at her therapy sessions. She  also interrupts the brief but important conversation between myself and the therapist after each session. Our goals for therapy center became simple but effective: Try your best. Listen to your therapist. Don’t interrupt.

Charlotte has a very sharp visual memory, so once she saw the words in print, she had them memorized. She would often tell them back to me as she hugged me good-bye to enter the therapy room. It’s even more effective as she’s beginning to learn (or teach herself) to read.

So our board (pictured above) sits in our main family room and is updated weekly. I have recently added post-it notes with planned-in-advance Paleo dinners. This seems to break down resistance in the form of whining/complaining at the dinner hour and putting a stop to the endless question of What’s for Dinner? CrossFit-style garage workouts for mom and dad are posted on the board so the kids know they’re welcome to join us for family exercise after the heavy weights and equipment are put away.

Somehow the week seems to flow into more of a rhythm when the kids know what is happening, what they’re going to eat, and what is expected of them. Our parenting style seems to be more about preparing our kids to be their best selves in their everyday lives. The board helps them prepare themselves for what lies ahead while practicing self-regulating tools at the same time. In addition, it helps us manage any negative behavior patterns that may come with a change in routine or schedule by talking together about the change and any expectations around it.

In all honesty, it does take preparation, consistency, and effort. It works well for the needs of our family, and I don’t mind planning our week’s meals and activities ahead of time. As a teacher, I planned and prepped lessons for my third graders so it seems to regulate me as well. We’ve never been big fans of surprises and spontaneity, and we’re okay with that. We’ve embraced this lifestyle and try to focus on the benefits of better health for all of us, rather than how much work it is.

Our modern-day society challenges us to meet the needs of our kids and ourselves right up to the dinner hour. This tool helps us bridge the gap between the hectic schedule we must lead to get it all done and the time we need to slow down, share healthy meals, and enjoy each other as a family.

Triumph through Judgment

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One day over the summer I took the girls with me on a marathon of errands. It was not an ideal situation, but on that particular day I had no other choice. One of our stops was school supply shopping at Wal Mart. Charlotte’s behavior in the store had not be great and while I was loading my bags from the cart into the back of my mini van, I was talking to both girls about making sure they were good listeners at our future stops in order to earn their reward of protein-style burgers at In-n-Out.

During my lecturing and unloading multi-tasking, I noticed a man clearly eavesdropping as he slowly parked his cart in the cart corral next to our car. My mommy instincts kept me close to my car as he approached me and said he couldn’t help but overhearing the conversation I was having with my daughters. He continued to say that he was a parent and grandparent and that he had great success with this particular parenting book.

I heaved a sigh of relief and thanked him politely. As I quickly got in the car, buckled myself and drove away, I took a deep breath a felt a flood of emotions and feelings–Violated and Defensive. Shocked and Angry. I was upset that I hadn’t defended myself and my actions. I replayed the scene in my head where I retorted in anger that “My kids are my kids and mind your own business.” I was overwhelmed and stressed at having to continue the rest of my errands under this blanket of negative feelings.

I posted my experience on my personal Facebook page and received many warm messages of support. Many of them encouraging me to just let it go, and I did, for the most part. But the encounter got me thinking a lot about parenting and judgment.

As a parent and grandparent, the man in the parking lot felt that our shared experience as parents and his status as an elder or more experienced parent granted him the right to share a resource that had helped him achieve success in parenting. I can certainly understand the logic in that.

But what I have come to understand is that any of us who witness parenting in action on any given day have a choice to make. We can observe the interaction between the parent and the child and leave it at that. It’s like taking a picture–it’s a moment in time when the child needs the help of the parent to control impulses, stay safe, learn appropriate responses, etc. The same situation may look different tomorrow or even an hour from now, based on the temprement of the child, the patience level of the parent, or even the time of day.

Judgment comes in when we take our experiences and project them into the situation. Whether helpful or not, our personal parenting successes, fears, and triumphs can be whisked into the interaction we are witnessing and sometimes create a false and unncecessary need to help the arguably struggling parent.

What I realized about the encounter in the Wal Mart parking lot is that I have become uniquley adapted to handling judgment. I once naively believed that a child’s behavior was directly tied to how well they were parented and even how much they were loved. This theory was tested when Charlotte, at age 2, began sensory meltdowns and temper tantrums everywhere we went. I felt out of control and helpless and also judged by others and myself.

It has been years of therapy and hard work, but I have learned to silence the harmful thoughts of judgment in my own head. Charlotte’s behavior is not a direct reflection of my parenting or love. I have come to see any behavior as a moment in time when she is calling out for help or letting us know she’s feeling comfortable in her environment.

Last week I picked Charlotte up from school and had our first “rough day” report of the school year. While anxiety, fear and self judgment wanted to bang on the door and take me down, I was pleased to ultimately feel numb and disconnected from any judgment. I used the opportunity to begin a back and forth journal with her school staff, sharing information about what helps Charlotte at home. I included notes from our recent success–using key words like “warning” help her set boundaries and know that a consequence is coming if she continues he behavior. I let the staff know we were comfortable with reports of Charlotte’s poor behavior and its consequences.

The next week I spoke to Charlotte’s Occupational Therapist about a disinterest and  resistance in certain activities. Again, I let the numbness and lack of my own judgment take hold of my thoughts. As we continued our conversation I was reminded of how she had recently behaved similarly at her summer ballet class. I spoke with Chad about it over the weekend and we began to put some big pieces of information together about Charlotte’s behavior when there’s a lack of stimulation or challenge.

After the yogurt experience earlier this month, I can clearly say that eating Paleo has improved her health in such a way that these patterns of behavior can be monitored and adjusted with our parenting. Had we not been eating a Paleo diet, the sensory issues, behavior issues, and sleep issues would be unsolvable mysteries, wearing down our energies and fueling more self doubt and judgment. We can now proudly say that own parenting triumphs include using Paleo as a tool to help our child, allowing fixable patterns of behavior to emerge. The success and rewards we see and feel everyday in the smiles and laughter of our children.

The experience in the parking lot sat deeply with me for a lot of reasons. I got so comfortable with not judging myself that I dropped my guard and let myself be judged by someone else. It stung to think that the man with the cart thought that I needed support or help in parenting my kids. Maybe my tone was too harsh or maybe my words not encouraging enough for his parenting style and his experience with his own children.

If I were to have that encounter again, I would have taken a step back from the harsh and shocking feelings of being judged and explained what I would write in my own parenting book. Parenting is a deeply personal experience. The way we care, love, and discipline our kids is uniquely ours. Please give me the freedom to find my own success and triumphs.

It takes Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

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Each day I pick up Charlotte from preschool, I immediately check her lunch box. She has recently started attending 3 full days of pre-kindergarten and now eats lunch and takes naps at school. The transition has been exceptionally smooth and I find that if I stock her lunch full of her favorite foods, I’m pretty guaranteed to see only crumbs left in her Planet Box.

Last Wednesday I found her precious salmon cakes in the protein compartment completely untouched. I got little information from her teacher’s aide about why her lunch wasn’t finished, and it was ultimately Charlotte on the car ride home who provided me with the key piece of information that I needed.

When she shared from the backseat that she had enjoyed a smoothie at school today, I pressed further. When I asked her what was in the smoothie, she promptly reported strawberries, raspberries, and yogurt. Yogurt? I began scanning my brain for the last conversation I had with her school staff about dairy. Had I made it clear that she couldn’t have dairy? I probably didn’t remind them this school year. So worried about gluten and grains, I completely forgot dairy! Swirls of guilt and confusion set into my thoughts and they were only made worse by what I saw when we got home.

I asked Charlotte if she had experienced a tummy ache or if anything hurt. She told me she felt fine, but while I watched her watching her favorite movie, Dora Explorer Girls, I saw the regulation and predictability around her behavior that we had recently gained slowly evaporate. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t sit still. Sensory seeking behaviors like pacing around the table, pushing on the edge of the table with her foot, and inverting herself in weird positions into the couch cushions were telling signs that things were not right in her body–all of a sudden.

A few minutes later she was arguing with her sister and communicating less. What she was saying wasn’t making sense. Her delicious Paleo dinner sat untouched, and I predicted a difficult night shift for myself, as Chad was out-of-town. Sure enough, at some point in the middle of the night, I woke up to find her pacing around my room in the dark, argumentative and upset about going back to bed.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling overwhelmed and upset. We had a full day ahead, and I was dysregulated myself–struggling with PMS and interrupted sleep. I was feeling angry and distressed, wondering why everything in my life has to be so hard.

And then I stopped. 

I found the strength that is found in clear and healthy thoughts, and I pulled out the mental tool box I have developed to help myself in these situations. I meditated a bit in the morning, said the Serenity Prayer several times, and then made a plan to help Charlotte.

When we arrived at our Occupational Therapy session a few hours later, I explained the situation to our wonderful therapist and asked for a restorative and regulatory session to get Charlotte’s nervous system under control. I took a brisk walk during her session to regulate myself and when she emerged, I could already see by the way that she sat down in the chair next to me that she was restored on many levels. I thanked our therapist profusely, and we went about our day with very few issues. The next day I spoke to her school and asked that dairy not be served to Charlotte. I asked the staff to substitute the gluten-free cookies that I had provided as an alternate treat.

I’ve often said that when Charlotte’s routine changes, it’s like a switch is flipped internally. She becomes dysregulated, withdrawn, frustrated, and just more autistic than we normally see. This was the first time I had ever see it happen with food. It was scary and empowering at the same time. I thought back to The Autism Revolution, which I continue to reread in parts every couple of days. The following quote stood out to me about our recent situation. From page 107 in Chapter 5 Help the Body Mend the Brain:

“…that autism may be more of a ‘state’ that can change than a ‘trait’ that is fixed and unchangeable. Change can come very quickly when a blockage is somehow removed or a previously unworkable connection is made.”

As parents we know these workable connections so well. In the form of eye contact, verbal processing, clear and understandable questions and answers, or even a lack of repetitive speech or nonsense talk, it’s when we reach our kids and see them respond. It’s exhilarating and inspiring. We keep at it and work toward more growth, improved communication, and the holy grail of self-regulation.

It’s my belief that when the workable connections break down, the child needs our help to restore order. No one else knows what they need like we do. From twisting into pillows in the couch to screaming at me in the middle of the night, I knew that Charlotte was calling out for help.

It’s a big responsibility. It’s overwhelming, exhausting, and lonely.

Parents of special needs children must wake each and every morning and recommit to helping their child get exactly what they need using varied skills and strategies–carefully planned meals, critical but objective observation, appropriate and efficient communication with others who deal with the child, as well as walking a tight rope schedule that challenges the child to be a part of the outside world while preventing their total load of stressors from reaching the dreaded tipping point.

My victory over yogurt last week taught me that in addition to all of things listed above, the skill of taking care of myself is a crucial step in regulating Charlotte. After pushing through PMS symptoms, anger, and guilt I was able to get to a place of problem solving and solutions.

It’s taken me years of difficult experiences to build a tool box full of helpful strategies and support, but over time I am learning to find the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and most importantly, the Wisdom to know the difference.