Author Archives: peacelovepaleo

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About peacelovepaleo

A mom of an autistic child trying to help other families adopt the Paleo diet and lifestyle

A Fondness for Facebook

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I love the internet, but more specifically, I love Facebook. I used to be annoyed by the hype of it all, but recently I’ve owned it and made it work for me. Each day my News Feed brings me photos of my friends’ cute kids, exciting news about a pregnancy or promotion, and lots of articles that friends share and bloggers write. I dig into each and every one and read and enjoy everything from stories of Modern Motherhood to the ins-and-outs of Insulin Resistance. The shift from Annoy to Love for this social media occurred when I was tired of feeling guilty about my Facebook ritual, and I asked myself what I really wanted to spend this time doing. My answer was a customized space that transformed the infamous Time Suck to a message of permission to myself–Get Inspired to Write.

Thankfully, it’s done just that. This week I’ve been compelled to write this post based on the following stories I found on Facebook:

7 Things You Don’t Know About A Special Needs Parent

and

Tips for Food Allergies: A Child’s Perspective

The topics are varied, but both of interest to me. Clearly, an article that outlines the honest thoughts of a special needs parent is right up my alley. Additionally, a mom’s article from a child’s perspective on the effects of food allergies definitely grabs my attention.

I still very much operate in my teacher brain most days. So hopefully, it’s not completely shocking to you that I would like to create a Venn Diagram (overlapping circles that show how 2 or more things are alike and different) on these articles and find several powerful messages that lie in both of these stories. I loved both of these articles and could not resist the urge to compare and contrast, so here are the similarities that stood out to me:

Both moms take a big personal message and write in a clear and concise way. It’s as if they are saying, “I don’t want to overwhelm you with how important it is for me, so I’m going to break it down into just a few points to help you understand”, i.e. 7 things and 10 tips.

Both moms write from a place of isolation. Maria Lin’s third point is how alone she feels raising a special needs child. Referring to her son, Jacob, Maria shares, “With this honor of caring for him comes the solitude of the role.” Gina uses her child’s voice to drive home the isolation, “Having another friend with food allergies in my classroom or to eat with me at lunch would help me too”.

Both moms are owning their vulnerability. One of my favorite Likes on Facebook is Brene Brown and her amazing work on vulnerability. I see these women sharing and owning vulnerable, but universal thoughts, like jealousy and embarrassment.

So after finding these similarities and displaying this diagram, I would take it a step further with my students…what can we learn from these articles? What can we take with us in our lives?

And maybe it’s because I see so much of myself in both of these writers, the answers are crystal clear to me.

They come from a place of love for their children and a desire to get their truths out.

They are owning it and sharing it and feel brave and empowered enough to educate you.

They don’t want to live in it alone anymore.

They are modern mothers, using the power of social media to bring about changes in opinion and changes in how others see them and/or their children.

They are brave and smart and inspiring for writing their truths. And so are my friends who shared it with me.

Did I mention that I love the internet?

Preparation. Preparation. Preparation.

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There’s a lot of talk in the Paleo world these days about customizing Paleo to fit our individual needs. There’s the 80/20 rule, where an individual can be living strict Paleo only 80% of the time and have sensible non-Paleo foods and treats the other 20%. There’s the cold-turkey 30 Day approach to going Paleo. There’s an allowance for more carbs for a more active lifestyle.  And then there’s dairy–lots of talk about dairy–cheese, raw milk, kefir and other sources leave a pick-and-choose kind of approach for each individual.

I whole-heartedly agree with a variety of approaches to meet a variety of needs, and I think the Paleo Community is doing an excellent job of forward thinking to support the needs of different bodies, personalities, and learning styles. There’s so much support in this community and what I hear most often is the consistent message–Find Clean Food that works for Your Body.

After two years of living a Paleo Lifestyle, we can safely say that there is no such thing as Perfect Paleo. We think that living Paleo can best be described as an individual’s journey toward better health through educated food and lifestyle choices. To find the consistencies within the inconsistencies is the job of the individual and giving this power to an enabled, educated, and willing individual is a recipe for success.

We also have come to believe that there is a very important message that must be delivered as a tag line within the variety of approaches. It goes like this: In addition to changing the way you eat, you must change your lifestyle to Prepare this healthy food that nourishes your body. Planning meals, shopping, and making time to prepare them is crucial for cleaning eating and success with any kind of Paleo plan.

I know this is hard. Our world is full of fast-paced activities and commitments that take us right up to the dinner hour. McDonald’s and Taco Bell become quick options for dinner when the family is starving and there’s nothing ready at home. I get it, and we used to live that way. We definitely miss the convenience of our old SAD (Standard American Diet). I was just talking about this very topic with my friend Rachel (a fellow Paleo mom) a couple of weeks ago. We were fantasizing about the old days and how easy and freeing it was to order a pizza for dinner.

If you are serious about eating Paleo, picking up dinner is not an option. It’s a plain and simple lifestyle change to cook and prepare food like our grandparents used to do it.

Plan Ahead.

On Saturday morning, we look at the schedule for the upcoming week and write down which evenings look crazier than others. Our family juggles school, therapies, swimming lessons, workouts for Mom & Dad, and lots of dance lessons for the girls. I know it’s the start of the weekend and I really don’t want to think about the next week either, but the list for the grocery store needs to be made and the meals for the week must be made from those groceries.

Here’s what works for us. We keep our freezer stocked with meats that we pick up from a variety of places. We shop at Costco, our local grocer, and our local meat market. We typically shop for these meats once or twice per month, depending on budget and schedule. (Note: I would love to tell you that they are all pasture-raised and grass-fed, but that’s not our reality. We are certainly working toward that goal while being patient with ourselves at the same time.)

So, we look at the meats that are in the freezer and fill in the protein for each dinner. We consider which nights need an easy-to-prepare-protein and which nights will take more prep and time. Typically, on Mondays we have skirt steak. Tuesdays we make chicken thighs. On Wednesdays Chad picks up fresh fish. Thursdays we have pork, and Fridays we usually have ground beef. Saturdays we start the rotation over again but we don’t plan the weekends ahead, as there’s always last-minute company for dinner or a change of plans. We don’t plan to eat leftovers for dinner. They are gobbled up for lunch by myself and the kids, and there’s rarely any wasted food.

Next, we fill in the veggies to go with each protein. Sometimes, the veggies and the sides make a meal, and other times the veggies just exist separate from the protein. This is where the Paleo websites and cookbooks come in handy (see our family favorites at the end of this post). From here we make our grocery list that typically lists all produce section items on one side and all other items on the other side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Prepared.

Now that the meals are planned and the groceries are bought, it’s time for teamwork.

Communication is essential to making this work. It takes a strong team to put dinner on the table every night. Split the jobs and be clear about timing and expectations. The parent that picks up kids is in charge of making sure they have healthy snacks after school, practice, or therapy to prevent a meltdown. We love beef jerky, almonds, squeezable applesauces, and even smoothies.

The parent that arrives home first knows the plan and starts some kind of dinner prep…washing veggies, putting meat in the oven, or starting the barbecue.

If one parent plans the meals, shops for the food, cooks the dinners, and cleans it all up, it’s a recipe for burnout and you’re back to ordering pizzas. It needs to be a team effort. If you are the parent that does not cook or doesn’t even know where to start in the kitchen (that used to be me), offer to do the weekly grocery shopping and nightly clean up. Have your partner teach you some basic cooking skills to share some of the easier duties.

Have a back-up plan in case someone gets home late, the meat is still frozen or the kids have melted, regardless of your best efforts. Our back-up plan is always eggs. You’d be amazed how fast you can whip up a omlette or scrambled eggs for an easy and nutritious dinner.

It may seem labor intensive and very different at first, but making time to plan and prepare meals is the way many generations before us have eaten. We need to go back to our roots and stay away from food that comes from a package or a drive thru window. Give your family the gift of health in the form of a family dinner that you’ve prepared.

Here’s links to some of our favorite recipes.

Skirt Steak–Beef with Broccoli 

Chicken thighs–Better Butter Chicken. Sun Dried Tomato Chicken Bake. Pecan Crusted Chicken. Smoked Paprika Chicken.  Whole chicken–The Bacon Chicken

Ground Beef–Meatloaf. Chili (in Sarah’s cookbook). Stuffed Bell Peppers

I recently found the website PaleoPot which offers Paleo friendly meals for your Crock Pot or slow cooker. We have yet to try any recipes, but we will be checking them out soon and using any ideas for those extra busy weeknights.

Please use the comments section to share any of your tips for preparing Paleo foods or making Paleo work with a busy family.

Baby Bliss

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I had the tremendous pleasure of becoming an Auntie a few months ago. My younger sister, Jill, had her first baby, a girl. This experience has been so special on so many levels and has really opened my mind and heart to experience motherhood with new eyes.

I’ve never been one to gush over babies, but I find that I can’t hold back around my brand new niece. At three months old, she is looking right at me and her sparkling eyes and toothless smile are so precious I can hardly stand it. Then when my girls jump in to make faces and get her to coo, it’s all over. Jill and I look at each other with an exchange that says, “This is as good as we thought it would be.”

The girls bonding as cousins is amazing and awesome to see. I’m sure we will continue to love their interactions and play, but the most striking and surprising of pleasures is the mutual bond that now exists between Jill and me. When the baby first arrived, Jill looked to me for words of wisdom on things like nursing and sleep patterns. She needed my help and I gave her the simplest advice that I could think of: Don’t stress about the details (We’re good at that). Watch her. Listen to her. Give her what she needs.

With seven years of motherhood under my belt, I used my lessons learned to guide her on her own path of meeting her baby’s individual needs. I held back from giving too many details or instructions and let her have the freedom to learn as a new mother while I eagerly watched and waited. And as I see her learning and knowing her baby like only she can, I feel like a teacher who has seen the brilliant lightbulb in my students’ eyes. I let go of the worry and stress that I have been feeling for her and watch in awe at the perfect, inseparable bond that exists between them. It’s so natural and pure and perfect that part of me aches to have it one more time for myself.

I look to the gifts that are my own children and wonder about the purity and innocence of our bond. It feels very much the same as the early days of infancy, but also so very different. Why? I initially dismiss it as kids growing up. I can’t smother them with love and tenderness all day like I did when they were babies. They must be independent of me, go to school, make friends, etc.

As I sit with these thoughts for a few days, I begin to think about how important the bond is and all of the influences that can get in the way. What our kids wear, how they perform, where they go to school, and certainly what they eat all bring input to the one who owns the job of Parent. It’s easy to become a rule follower and lose track of the needs of the child that were so crystal clear in the beginning.

All of the opinions and expectations of others can cloud the bond that is so naturally created. We become vulnerable and judged and can lose the beautiful gift of our intuition along the way. Accepting my vulnerability and trusting the natural bond when raising my kids gave me strength to face experiences that felt tough and were difficult to accept. Pushing the outside influences aside to make the best choices for my kids led me to a place where I can meet their needs without fear of judgement. 

Through this experience of becoming an Auntie and welcoming this new baby I have learned how precious this bond is. I have also come to realize how blessed I am to be on a path that keeps me bonded to my kids in a way that allows them to grow and change while knowing that their needs will always be met.

I hope to teach Jill so many things about the journey that motherhood is. I want to protect her and baby from the influences that will interfere with the bond they both currently feel. I want to encourage her to be herself and to trust that precious intuition. But most importantly, I want her to understand, like I have, that the most natural thing we can do as mothers is meet our child’s needs, special or otherwise.

Easy Does It–Liverwurst burgers

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As promised, we shook things up with our normal food routine and added some organ meat to one meal this week.  See this post for the story of how my significant hair loss indicated a need for more Vitamin A, found abundantly in organ meats, particularly liver. The organ meat is typically not palatable but we vowed to try to make it work in our day-to-day Paleo meals and report back to you on how we did.

We decided to start right away, but truthfully I wasn’t completely comfortable with this experiment.  If I thought about it too much, I would have lost my nerve. So I decided it wasn’t too scary to pick up some processed pork liver in the form of Braunschweiger from our local grocery store. I know it’s not the quality grass-fed beef liver that really gets a you a bang for your buck, but baby steps.

 

 

 

 

The ingredients weren’t the greatest, but the number 170% (next to daily intake for Vitamin A) gave me the courage I needed to place it in my shopping cart.

 

 

 

 

My first attempt was gutsy. I choked down 2 slices and then placed a half slice on Charlotte’s lunch plate and told her it was a new kind of salami. She tried it and then set it right back down on the plate. 

 

 

 

 

Our next attempt was more thought-out. With some strategic spices, we’d sneak it into the weekly burgers that we grind at home with grass-fed meat and sausage.

We combined 1 pound of grass-fed ground beef with 1 pound mild Italian sausage and 7 ounces of pork liverwurst (Braunschweiger).  To the meat mixture, we added 1 diced shallot, 1 egg, the juice of 1 whole lemon, (1 TBSP salt), 1  TBSP pepper, 1 TBSP garlic powder, 1 TBSP Worcestershire sauce, 1 TBSP spicy brown mustard, 1 tsp paprika, 1 tsp chili powder. This makes 7-10 patties.

 

 

 

 

We combined all the meats using our grinder attachment.

 

 

 

 

 

We added all of the above spices and ingredients to the meats and formed patties.

 

 

 

 

We barbecued the patties for 2-4 minutes each side for rare burgers. A few of us had cheeseburgers.

 

 

 

 

We topped the burger with fixin’s and served ours with some steamed broccoli.

 

 

 

 

The results: definitely edible. I would dare to say tasty and delicious, but the processed pork liver was salty, making for a salty burger, especially considering we added additional salt to the meat. But overall, the liver taste was well disguised and the girls ate the their entire burgers without any problem, although we did give them a special treat in the form of some ketchup.

Next time we cook with processed liver, we will leave out the added salt. If we were to cook with real grass-fed beef livers, we would probably leave the salt in. Stay tuned for that post. I’ve hit a bit of a snag in my search for the real grass-fed beef livers. My source will not have them available until summer, so yesterday I casually asked the butcher at my local grocery store if he had any beef liver (like I do this all the time) and surprisingly he had a whole section of organ meats–beef heart and tongue, but no liver. I wasn’t brave enough to try the heart or tongue, but I did walk away from the meat counter with a promising feeling like I wasn’t the only one in the world eating offal.

It occurred to me that if you are new to the Paleo world, you may think eating Paleo means eating weird or different foods, so therefore we are weirdos and this diet is not for you. In order to show the awesomeness that Paleo is and that we really are pretty normal folks, I took some photos of some delicious Paleo meals we had over the weekend. 

Saturday night’s dinner was grilled Rib-eye steaks with peeled white potato french fries (fried in coconut oil), steamed artichokes, and grilled broccoli stalks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday morning’s breakfast was coconut flour waffles, eggs fried in grass fed butter, bacon, and fresh berries. (Thanks Gina for sharing the waffle recipe with us. We loved it!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday evening’s dinner was pasture-raised barbecued chicken with grilled asparagus spears and roasted cauliflower.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look delicious? Feel free to comment or ask questions about these meals and for more great Paleo meals and recipes, check out the cooking blogs on the Paleo Community page.

A Defining Moment

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At the end of every post I write, I find the box on my Word Press Dashboard screen that’s entitled Categories, and I click one of several choices that I’ve created that best fits the content of the post. After finishing the Liver Post a couple of days ago, I noticed that the Categories of Mom’s Health and Stress Management were the most often used. I was somewhat surprised at first, and then I put some careful thought into the content of my posts and the direction of this blog.

When I created this blog several months ago, I would have not predicted more posts about Mom’s Health than Recipes or Sensory Regulation. What I had envisioned is different from what currently exists–but I’m okay with that.

So the post that you are currently reading is about embracing and defining what this space has become. I believe what truly calls us and speaks to us is what guides our writing, speaking, and our day-to-day thoughts and interactions. Underlying and unspoken passion sometimes bubble up in our semi-conscious thoughts until we really hear the words we are speaking or writing and embrace them for what they are. If we are brave, we ultimately accept them as part of ourselves.

I have always known that I was passionate about the current state of motherhood and parenting in general. After my post partum breakdown, I had to recognize the thoughts and expectations that were tearing down my mental state and making me internally sick. Perfectionism and doing-it-all were not working for me, and it is clearly a constant challenge for me to sort through my thoughts and expectations around motherhood, Paleo, and life in general and land in a place that feels safe and healthy.

When I began to have tremendous success in talk therapy, I knew that I had found a great power in using my words. Nothing feels better to me than speaking to you about how I pulled through a difficult day or faced a new challenge. It must be the educator in me that feels like if I can explain it, then I know it and understand it on a much deeper level. Existing on that level of understanding is what keeps me coming back to you and keeps me loving–yes, I said it–loving motherhood these days.

However, I know that the pull of perfectionism and the nagging anxious thoughts are not long gone. It’s just like the bread, sugar, and pasta that tries to find its way back to the table; the temptations of our old ways must be recycled into better choices through the tough lessons we’ve learned. Oh, and how I’ve learned…so many lessons with so much wisdom and knowledge about my personal health, that I cannot hold back.

It is with certainty that I say this–had I been told about Paleo only 2 years earlier when I was pregnant with Charlotte, I firmly believe her issues and therefore this blog would not exist. As a result of this truth, helping other families achieve some level of success from diet change is a burning desire that comes from an internal passion I cannot extinguish, no matter how hard I try. So don’t you worry, you’ll still be reading about our Liver Experiment and everything Paleo.

I’ve grabbed this defining moment and reflected on where we’re headed together, and here’s what I’ve come up with…Life’s tough lessons have brought me to creating this space to share what has worked for me–taking care of myself first. When I’m taken care of, then I can meet the needs of my family. Paleo is the beacon of light that guides my journey.

You don’t need to have a special needs child to like it here. You don’t even need to be eating Paleo or even wanting to eat Paleo. All are welcome. If you embrace Parenting as Life’s ultimate journey and sacrifice, want to make good choices for you and your family, and teach by example, then jump on board. Let’s learn together and make the most of this time with our kids.

Eat Your Heart (or Liver) Out

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I’m not the kind of person who puts a lot of time, energy, or money into my appearance. I put just enough effort in to stay current, but not enough to really feel good about it. I’ll blame it on modern media and the images of perfect beauty that we’re bombarded with everyday. This unattainable perfection causes me to get overwhelmed with fashion trends, make-up and expensive jeans. When I go out shopping, I will come home empty-handed or will spend way more than I should have because I couldn’t make a decision. I avoid it as often as I can and often rely on my husband to encourage me to buy something new or my well-dressed sister to hand-me-down some pieces that are trendier and cuter than what I’m currently wearing.

I feel like this is shocking and strange to the rest of the world, and it has only gotten worse as I’ve had more to deal with in Mommy Land. Fighting for Charlotte’s services and getting my family on board with Paleo have taken over as priorities in my life. Clawing my way out of depression and maintaining my sanity have left little room for online shopping and skin care. Chad often tells me that I tend to hyper-focus on things until they are resolved, so much so that I don’t even notice what’s right in front of me.

So hopefully it makes sense that I didn’t notice that I was losing my hair. I told myself that Classic Baby Hormone Hair Loss Syndrome was the explanation for the thinning, short pieces around my face that l had trained to look like bangs. I shrugged when my hairdresser politely asked how long it took to grow back after my first pregnancy. More questions about vitamins and stress just left me shaking my head.

One day last Summer I looked in the mirror and noticed that my hair looked thinner. And then I felt it. Really felt it. Where there had once had been thick, full locks begging to be cut were now thin, brittle strands slipping through my fingers. Panic and fear ran through me as I raced to the computer and Googled hair loss, adrenal fatigue, hormones. Cursing myself for not noticing and letting it get to this point, I searched in desperation to find a cause. What had I done? Would it come back? Why didn’t anyone tell me? The voice of my hairstylist played in my head. I closed my eyes and visualized the chunks of hair that I had seen in the shower. How could I have not noticed this sooner?

Powerlessness and self-blame roared through my conscious thoughts until I got a grip and started finding some answers. I was on the right track with the adrenal issues. I knew I wasn’t fully recovered from the stress my body survived after Charlotte’s birth. From my issues to her issues, every available vitamin, mineral or ounce of energy reserve had been exhausted. I know enough about the human body to know that it is excellent at prioritizing. In times of stress, the body knows to give available nutrients and energy to the organs needed to maintain life. Hair re-growth after having a baby is somewhere toward the bottom of the list.

I got a hold of some vitamins from my hairstylist and began taking them immediately. Several a day. And it worked. My hair began to grow and thicken and maintain its color. After nearly six months of taking 4 tablets a day, I can wash and blow dry my hair again without twinges of panic and guilt.

Even after getting my hair on a healthy regrowth pattern, I was still left with unsettled thoughts about nutrient deficiency. Why wasn’t I getting enough of these vitamins from Paleo foods? What do I need more of? Less of? How long will I have to take these vitamins? With no real expert to consult on this subject, I’m left to the depths of my own mind to find these answers, and that can really be a scary place. Research about depleted soils for growing crops and raising animals and how it’s negatively affecting our food supply is scaring me into thinking I’ll be bald by my 40th birthday.

Just as my search for nutrient rich foods to replace the vitamins had really begun to take hold in my mind, I was sent a powerful information source in the form of our friends Mike and Rachel. (Dr. Mike got us started on the Paleo diet and has provided tremendous support and information in healing Charlotte’s gut and my adrenal issues). Over a delicious bone-broth-based soup dinner on Saturday night, we discussed how Vitamin A is the main ingredient in my hair vitamins and is found in abundance in offal–the organs of animals that we typically don’t eat, especially liver. At these words, my heart rose and sank at the same time. I have read a lot about the benefits of offal in the Paleo world, but even the pictures of these foods turned my stomach.

I looked firmly at Chad, and we listened carefully to Mike explain how I may have begun to have trouble converting Vitamin A after the adrenal issues occurred. This may explain my hair loss and sensitivity to my hormone cycles. More information only leads to more questions from me…will it help my PMS? Will it help Charlotte? How do we get the kids to eat it? No real answers but lots of information about the great source of nutrients that offal, particularly liver provide. He and Rachel then explained their tricks for eating the unpalatable organ meat, and I wasn’t feeling much better–blending the organ pieces in its own blender and plugging their nose to down the “shake”, freezing the meat in tiny pieces and swallowing them like pills–any of their attempts to hide the awful tasting meat in food was fruitless.

Later in the evening, Chad and I discussed the information we had heard. We were encouraged that a natural source of vitamins for I what I had been taking in pill form was available. But did we really need another project? Liver? Really? Trying new foods and incorporating them into what you’re already eating takes time and effort.

On the other hand, it was hard to turn away from such a nutrient-dense food that really could probably improve the health of all of us, particularly Charlotte. It seems obvious to us that the more nutrient-dense foods we get into her system on a regular basis, the more progress we see from her. We weighed all of our current competitors for our time, money, and energy and decided that this was a project we were willing to take on.  

Once our roles were clearly defined we began to get excited about our new challenge. Chad’s job is to make the organ palatable in food while keeping it hidden it from the kids. My job is to procure the product, do the research, and hopefully enjoy the benefits of thicker hair. In addition, we will also share our tips with you for getting kids to eat offal, and observing and documenting any benefits we see regarding Charlotte’s issues.

If you are currently enjoying organ meats and have any suggestions for making them work, please feel free to comment below or send me an email.

Good Morning

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A few weeks ago I was searching for more quiet time in my day. I was feeling like the days and weeks were bleeding into each other. The school week felt like a blur, and the weekend seemed like just preparation for the same mild chaos that we had just lived through.  My hope was that meditation and a quiet space at some point in my day would slow the days and weeks down, and ultimately I was looking for direction down a path to find the me that I know I have the potential to be. I have had fleeting visions of a calm, creative, and centered self that enjoys the day-to-day moments of motherhood and seems less affected by the day’s challenges.  
 
Chad suggested waking earlier and so he and I could have some time together over a cup of coffee before he left for work at 6am. As someone who savors sleep like a fine wine, I thought this was a terrible idea. I loved hearing the first alarm clock in the early morning darkness knowing it wasn’t for me. And when he would leave, I would slip back into a sweet slumber until the last possible seconds before I needed to be up-and-at-’em to get the kids to school on time. In addition to my desperate need to fill my sleep deprivation tank, I also had a concern that waking before the rooster crows would crash me into the proverbial afternoon wall of exhaustion at 3 pm. With homework, activities, dinner prep leading up to dishes, bath, and bedtime routine, this is just when the day really gets going and does not work so well with a pooped out and cranky mommy.
 
But after years of hearing yoga teachers and other mindfulness experts talk about being centered and present, I decided it was time to set the excuses aside and go find this elusive concept. After a few weeks of gradually setting my alarm clock back to 5:30am, I found that waking up earlier isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. After Chad and I talk about the day’s schedule and the evening’s dinner plan over our morning coffee, he leaves for work, and I have 30 gloriously silent minutes that I use to clear the cobwebs from the old attic that is my mind. And what I find is beyond any benefit of an extra hour of sleep–free, usable, precious, empty space that gives way to feelings of gratitude, peace, and even happiness to carry me through my day. 
 
Truthfully, this early morning time has become crucial to maintaining my mental health as I’ve come off of anti-depressants. After experiencing years of a drug-induced haze that kept me from going too high or too low, I’m pulling myself out of the lows, savoring sweet moments, writing to you about overcoming our challenges, and generally living a better life.
 
Oh…and I should mention that getting up before the sun means that I am fast asleep during the first DVR’d show that we had planned to watch together after the kids are asleep, but somehow I’m okay with that and so is Chad.
 
 
 
Here’s some images from a week of beautiful weather that I am proud to say that I thoroughly enjoyed.

Charlotte and Dana at ballet class.

Charlotte soaking up some Vitamin D at the park yesterday.

The girls and I enjoying salads at Chipotle.                                                                    

 

 

 

 

 

 

A salad for a picnic with lettuce, chicken thighs, grapefruit, radish, and sliced almonds.

Have a great weekend.

A Lesson Learned

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Approximately one year ago, we moved to a new home. It was only about 1 mile from our previous home, and the neighborhood was familiar. We were moving only a few blocks from our very close friends. Escrow closed in the first weeks of the new year. Little did we know how much we would learn from the timing of our move.

We visited the home often before we moved, explained as much as we could to both girls to prepare them for the transition. The first few days and weeks went smoothly. No troubles arose until Charlotte’s 3rd birthday at the end of February. As some of you may have experienced, the third birthday is very significant in the world of a special needs child. Under the age of three, the child can (somewhat easily) qualify for Early Start services. This is a state program where the child is evaluated and receives therapies or services, depending on their individual needs. Charlotte had qualified for a center-based program where she was working on controlling her sensory dysregulation impulses in a classroom setting.

She thrived in this environment and loved her school. Three mornings per week, her caring and supportive team of teachers gave both of us what we needed at this point…a community where we felt like we belonged, specific strategies to help with behavior issues at home, and a safe opportunity for Charlotte to practice her emerging, yet delayed, social skills.  Unfortunately, the center-based school and all Early Start services abruptly end on the child’s third birthday.

The next step for continued services is through the school district or medical insurance. We hit an immediate road block with both of these options. Charlotte’s strong language and motor skills kept her from qualifying for anything. We were encouraged to mainstream her. On a cold and dark March morning, I made calls to local preschools. With apprehension and a fear of being rejected, I explained our situation to the newly-opended preschool from the same elementary school that Dana attended. We were welcomed with open arms, yet we were fully aware that this was a mainstream situation and these teachers had completely different training and experience than where we had just come from. I alternated my teacher and parent hats, connecting with and educating the preschool staff, filling them with as much information as I could that was specific to Charlotte’s needs at that time–sensory regulation issues, social delays, repetitive language, and defiant behavior. Despite my best efforts and the wonderfully receptive teaching staff, it was a brutal change for Charlotte.

Looking back, I wonder how we could have been so blind to how these huge changes were going to affect her.  I think we’ve learned so much about her needs from this journey, that experiences like these have begun to guide our choices, our actions, and our parenting. We see it all so clearly now, but at the time she was the teacher and we were the students. She took us back to the beginning of her life to let us know how much she was affected–she stopped sleeping.

Just like in infancy, it was slow at first. Initially, just some trouble going down at bedtime. It would take a few trips into her bedroom to settle her down to sleep. As the nights progressed, there was more resistance going down, and eventually waking a few hours later. This could be as early as 10 or 11pm–just as we were winding down, she would appear wide-eyed in our doorway. At the worst point, she would be awake for several hours in our bed, absolutely refusing to go into her own room.

We have always been a big fan of sleep hygiene, so we were hesitant to start any habits that were going to be difficult to break later on. We knew that letting her learn to sleep in our bed was going to be a battle we would have to fight eventually, so we faced it head-on. We had done “sleep training” with both girls in the early days with success, but we were stuck with knowing that wasn’t going to work for Charlotte. We were confident that she would have cried all night, never allowing herself to go to sleep.

I tried everything I could think of–I stood outside of her door in the dark hallway for hours, trying to wean myself away from her so she could learn to sleep on her own. It was maddening to hear her fall asleep and then wake herself up screaming for me. One night I remember rocking her in the rocking chair for over an hour, only to have her awake and talking to me, instead of getting sleeping or even drowsy.

It was in the middle of one sleepless night that I remembered the sensory inputs that we had done early-on in her diagnosis. With her improved skills and sensory regulation, we hadn’t needed to do any bouncing, brushing, massage, or swinging. The next morning we made an appointment with the Occupational Therapist that we had worked with through Early Start. We paid the $125 for an hour-long session that would teach us to regulate and calm Charlotte’s nervous system to find sleep again.

We brought back all of our old tools and re-learned the importance of sensory input in Charlotte’s life. Without hesitation, we added in joint compressions, brushing therapy, jumping, and swinging to her daily routine. She began to seem like her old self in her new environment. We recognized that sensory regulation was not a ball we could afford to drop again, so we sought out private Occupational Therapy and began to pay for as much as we could afford. In the meantime, I filled a grievance with our insurance company for failure to cover her needs.

After a few weeks of rigorous sensory regulation inputs that made her feel comfortable in her new environments, Charlotte began sleeping better. We have learned so much about how to make her comfortable in her environment and how to help prepare her for sleep. We make sure she gets plenty of exercise in the form of therapy or play throughout the day. We start her bedtime routine early and give her a lot of time to get ready to go to sleep. Rocking, bouncing, massage, and other inputs became part of of her bedtime routine. We limit her naps and keep her bedtime consistent.

Currently she falls asleep easily and then wakes only once to come into our bed. Once there, she falls asleep quickly and sleeps soundly until morning. While it’s certainly not perfect, and we have tried everything from bribery to physically moving her to keep her in her own bed, we accept it as her progress and listen to what she continues to need–safety and security in the form of us.

Sensory inputs and twice weekly Occupational Therapy Sessions are firmly set in our schedule. We learned that this is absolutely crucial to her healthy sleep patterns. Also, with any change in routine or her environment, we prepare Charlotte with words and visuals. We travel less often, knowing how it stresses her system and affects her sleep. We let her be our guide for a busy weekend with friends or a mellow night at home with an early bedtime. We still look for the fine balance between challenging her system with new experiences and stressing her system to the point of dysregulation.

I heard Chris Kresser say on a recent podcast that more melatonin is produced in the gut than in the brain. I nodded in agreement and reflected on the lessons we have learned about sleep, change, regulation, and overall health in this past year. As we heal her gut with the Paleo diet, we will heal her brain and nervous system, and she will find more comfort in her environment with fewer sensory inputs.

In the meantime, we’ll celebrate Charlotte’s 4th birthday this month and all of the lessons we’ve learned together.

Gratitude

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Over the weekend, I was dealing with some stuff that made it difficult for me to be grateful for all of the wonderful things I have in my life. I was forced to do some tough mental work and get to the root of some big issues, get in the right frame of mind, and face a new week with a new perspective. Sifting through My Box of Truths and getting mindful and grateful is harder than it should be for me, but after years of practicing mindfulness and a few months of meditation, pieces of the process are finally beginning to happen somewhat effortlessly.

I was standing in the shower this morning, and I heard a noise coming from the bottom of the shower door. I looked down, and I paused for a moment expecting to see Charlotte laying on the floor next to the shower scrunched in a ball, having just woken up, realizing I was no longer in the bed next to her, and finding the cold bathroom rug near me more comforting than a warm and empty bed. Only….she wasn’t there. She hadn’t laid on the floor like that in several months. I took a deep breath of relief that I was not having to deal with that distraction in my sacred alone time, and I only found the dog looking for a drink.

I got out of the shower, dried off, and peeked in my bed to see her sleeping soundly. I could have felt discouraged that she still climbs into our bed in the middle of the night and I could have wondered how much longer this would continue to go on, but instead I smiled and felt thankful for her continued progress. It was then that a door of positive energy and gratitude opened in my mind and heart and a cascade of lovely and positive thoughts tumbled into my consciousness. I was able to recall funny and playful moments that I’ve had with Chad and the girls in the last few days and weeks–laughter, smiles, and a sense of relief–wanting to come to the surface of my thoughts, but being bullied back by the deeper and darker stuff.

On this cold and rainy morning, I thought I would share a few of them with you to get your positive juices flowing.

On Saturday the girls and I were driving to the grocery store and Dana had brought her camera with her. It’s a small digital camera handed down from my mom, and Dana’s favorite thing to do on it is take silly videos of herself and Charlotte. As usual, she was recording herself acting silly and over-the-top. While she played the video back, she showed Charlotte and asked, “How do I look?” Without skipping a beat, Charlotte responded, “Not pretty.” At first I was taken aback and glanced over my shoulder to scold Charlotte for the rude comment about her sister. Only, when I saw her trying to hide a smile behind her little hand and heard Dana feign a tantrum, I let sisters be sisters and marveled (and laughed out loud) at Charlotte’s use of humor during that social interaction.

Last night we were eating dinner at our coffee table. This is considered a special treat, and normally only happens because Chad doesn’t want to tear himself away from a movie or sporting event that he’s been sucked into and move to the appropriate dining table. Chad and I sit on the couch and the girls set the low table and bring playroom chairs into reach it. I often voice my concern about this set up because I worry they don’t have all the tools they need to be supported and eat a good dinner. Nevertheless, I went with it for the sake of something fun and different. Last night I had low expectations for Charlotte to eat a fennel and orange salad that I had made for the second night in a row. Chad must have felt the same way because half-way through the meal, he reminded Charlotte to eat her salad but told her she only needed to eat the oranges. She looked him straight in the eye and said, “Daddy, this is the same salad we had yesterday, and I’m going to eat the orange and this (a radish!) too.” She promptly put both items on her fork and ate them up. It was all we could do to keep from laughing out loud, and we applauded her for a good job with her dinner.

So, I’m walking through my Monday morning feeling much lighter, not only tremendously grateful for Charlotte’s progress, but feeling even more gratitude for my ability to enjoy it.

My Box of Truths

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Life can be tough. Just when we think we have all of the coping mechanisms in place to knock down stress and anxiety, things still just seem too hard. Exercise, clean diet, and even medication are no match for tough competitors like the fear, uncertainty, and disappointment that can sneak into our thoughts and control our behavior. And just like a sensory-seeking and dysregulated 3-year-old, we feel uncomfortable in our environment and find ourselves trantruming our way out of the pain.

Being overwhelmed with self-doubt often feels like something has broken open inside me. The box of thoughts and emotions that I like to keep closed up tightly has unlocked and its contents are spilling out for the world to see. I’m scrambling to pick up the negative thoughts and spiraling anxiety and close them back up before anybody notices that I’m less than perfect.

So my question today is…what do we do with all of these truths when they are out in the open of our own consciousness? How do we handle it when feelings of abandonment, worthlessness, disappointment, fear, sadness, and judgment are out of the box eagerly waiting their turn in line for their chance to take us down?

We can sit and wallow in sadness and despair like our dirty clothes that litter the laundry room floor.

We can drive guilt and fear around like passengers in our mini van.

We can trudge on and ignore our truths, forcing them in the closet like the old toys and clothes that need to be donated.

Knowing that these are not the real answers and only fill the box with feelings of failure and mismanagement…how do you squeeze in the time to effectively deal with your truths? It’s challenging to say the least, to find the time between your older child’s cough and fever and the younger one’s refusal to sleep when your husband’s out of town and there are no clean dishes.

And what’s worse? If you suffered at all in these truths, you know that getting your head in the right place to deal with overwhelming emotion and trying to be a parent at the same time is like watching the sand slip through the hourglass, knowing that it will be desperately harder to get a grip on yourself when time runs out.

Nothing screams louder at times like these than the need for space and protection. The urge to go hide under the darkness of my covers is so strong, I’ll go back to it only minutes after being out of bed in the morning. I must find the sense of peace and quiet that is a like a precious power to stop the spinning demands and self-doubt. I’m seeking a chance to reconnect with the adult voice in my head that leads me back to my strength and faith, and when I finally find it, I take a deep breath and hold it, allowing all of the positive energy to enter my core in the form of strength and self-acceptance.

Strength and courage in these quiet moments allows me to sit with my box of truths and open it slowly, pulling them out one by one. And if I’m feeling really brave, I’ll examine and feel fear, judgment, and worthlessness for what they really are. I’ll embrace the pain and ask myself some tough questions. Where does this come from? Why does it hurt so bad? Who can help me with this?

And with even more bravery, you may find the strength to wear your truth like a piece of fine jewelry–knowing that only others who own and wear pieces such as yours will complement your truths for their uniqueness and antiquity. You find pride in yourself and your truths will tell your story. Until one day you feel so good to be beaming in your truths that you notice your box lays empty and shattered. There’s nothing left to lock up and push down. You’ll wear each truth that enters the box proudly, handling it with unique strength that comes to only you in your quiet and brave moments.

And so my dream is this…we will no longer suffer in isolation. We will unite as mothers, empty our boxes, share our truths and emerge from these dark days of motherhood with our jewels on and shining bright.